And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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