there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
