PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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