so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
