I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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