He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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