I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
