Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
