I just made out with a guy for $7.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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