I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
