I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
