Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
