I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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