Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
