my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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