My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
