I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
