I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Rumble strips road head = magical
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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