i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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