I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
