She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.