God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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