she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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