Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
