I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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