no, he came in my armpit
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Are we still banned from the library?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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