M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
