i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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