the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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