We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
