this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
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I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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