I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
