you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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