i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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