GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
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No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
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I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that