She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.