wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
