We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
