Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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