he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
