You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
