youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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