I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
