you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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