honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His hands were made for my vagina.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
