if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
