hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
