u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
