Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
