Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
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I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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