I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
