I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Randomize
