Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
