I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
