fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
