Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
