sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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