I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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