I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
they're like a gay fantastic four
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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