I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
