finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
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Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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