The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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