cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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