Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!